y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
