I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
