my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
