Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
