I seem to have left my pride at pride
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
