Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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