dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
