Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
