My nipple is on Facebook.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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