My liver just broke up with me...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
