meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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