In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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