I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My vagina is officially offended.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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