Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
