so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
