Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
