you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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