She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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