The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Terrible idea I love it
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
