My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm at about main and main street
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
