How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
