i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
