so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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