You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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