i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
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don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
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I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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