Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
