oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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