literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
