I cockslap morals
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
