can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
