this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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