I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My bed is full of blood and feathers
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
