Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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