my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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