So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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