I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
