The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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