I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
