I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
