So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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