there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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