just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm sobbing to NWA
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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