I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
