we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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