If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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