New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
