According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
they're like a gay fantastic four
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
