Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
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