i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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