I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
