Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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