Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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