Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
