i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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