I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
