I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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