She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
